You might want to sit down, Heath.

Do you remember when you were sixteen? That thing with your locker and how you used to duck out of PE? Good times, eh?

Do you also recall how even the idea of parents having sex was sort of strange and revolting? Well, not Mrs. Chase. That’s different. But that feeling when someone joked about your parents actually doing it?

Well, you are now the parent, dude. You are that old guy. And one day soon, I promise, you will be doing that sex thing again with other old parent types.

No, don’t get up. We’re not done.

There’s an epidemic of death going around and I’m afraid you have it. Don’t panic. Most of us have it. Well, those of us not filthy rich enough to afford cryogenics or what have you.

Early signs are greying hair, new hair in strange places and our nose hair growing faster than our beards. It’s all about the hair.

The good news is you likely have plenty of time. Unless you don’t.

What? No, ya better stay in that chair. Can I get you some water?

Of course I’m delaying. The worst is yet to come and I don’t know if I have the strength to drop this bit of truth on you, dude.

I totally don’t. Instead, I will turn to one of the wisest oracles I know.