My Fucked Up Relationship with Avoidance
Everything was going gangbusters. I felt good and the world was a place of opportunity again. And then things got stressful and busy. I stopped writing. I didn’t update my website. I didn’t get any real work done. I disappeared.
So what happened?
It’s such a slippery slope. There was no defining moment where I suddenly slipped into feeling lost and stressed. It just slowly ate my life. Again.
I was unmotivated. No, that’s not really it. I wanted to scream and throw a tantrum whenever I contemplated the work that needed to be done.
But here’s the kicker: I looked like I was taking care of myself.
I took long baths. I purchased audio books. I watched Netflix. I goofed off. I drank good beer and bad wine.
But I wasn’t practicing self-care or compassion. I was running away.
I lost hundreds of hours to protecting my sheep from nasty aliens. I so wish that was a sexual innuendo. Instead, I played this stupid game while riding the subway, walking down the street and even while waiting for my toast.
I had slipped into that comfortable and tattered robe of mindless entertainment and “fake busy”.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m quick to forget the things that matter. I convince myself that I’m “taking a break” and “relaxing”. Netflix and a beer is just me blowing off steam and relaxing after a long day.
But no, I’m back into my abusive relationship with avoidance.
I spent my mornings with my phone in hand, checking email and bouncing aimlessly between social feeds. I played audio books in every waking second. There was no down time. No being alone.
I had forgotten to feed myself. To care for myself.
There were no long walks with NOTHING playing in my ears, no getting up early, as much as I detest mornings, and no time left for writing. I even stopped reading the words of others.
I drifted.
And then I realized what had happened.
I’ve tried to change things for the past two days. I’ve managed some early morning walks in peaceful solitude with my dog and I’ve fought the urge to check social and email. And today I found thirty minutes to sit down and write. It felt so good.
The stress that triggered my slide is still there, to put it mildly, but it feels different when I take time to feed my soul, be present with my inner child and turn off the distractions.
It’s nice to be back.
A giant shout of thanks to Alexainie for reaching out to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.
